You know I’ve been a sturdy advocate on the impossibility of changing other people, places and things. There is great peace in acceptance of that. HOWEVER!!! You never, ever, ever have to accept what is unacceptable.
If you are accepting anything in your life at all that is not something you are happy about – including other people, then that is your fault. While you might argue that point to death, for example if you have the boss from hell and you just can’t or won’t find another job, you are still the one that is in charge of you and believe it or not, the decisions you make about how you respond to another person WILL change that person- at least how they interact with you. Because, they will have no other choice.
So, let’s take a look at how you can change other people.
1. Refuse to fight and argue. It takes two and no matter how pernicious someone is, if you are in a fight or argument with them, it is because you are fighting or arguing back. Now, that doesn’t mean to roll up in a ball and take it. What can you do? Great question!
- “Thank you, I’ll consider your comments” – and walk away or change the subject
- “I’m sorry, I can’t hear you when you talk to me like that” – and walk away
- “I’ll have to pray (Or meditate) on that” – and walk away or change the subject
- “I see your point, I’ll share mine with you at a later date” (Assuming the person needs to calm down, otherwise, go ahead and share, but after sharing, refuse to argue your point – for this you can just say, “Well, apparently we see things differently and that’s quite okay with me, let’s explore how we can meet in the middle/compromise, or find some way to work through this.” – you can work through it if they are willing or revert to the first three comments if you need an out.
2. Your partner swears up and down he/she loves you and is committed to the relationship, yet they just seem to slip further and further away.
This happens a lot in relationships, it’s called the Distancer/Pursuer – dare I say syndrome? If you are the distancer and feel as if your partner is smothering you – start pursuing them and they’ll back off. On the other hand, if you are doing all the pursuing and your partner keeps distancing, back off, they’ll come back around. In extreme cases you may need professional help to get through this, never hesitate to contact me.
Do you see the trend here or should I keep going? The way you change other people is by changing your response to them. When you change your response, they are forced to change the way they engage with you. So, in an essence, you truly can change other people and if you can’t and they are abusive, disrespectful or otherwise unacceptable, get away from them unless they are your children and that’s a horse of a different color.
If you are having problems with anyone in your life and aren’t sure what to do about it, I’m just an email away. You don’t have to be a victim of circumstances, you can do something about it and I can help.