We all have deal breakers such as cheating, lying or abuse that will automatically end our relationships. But that’s not what I’m talking about today. I’m talking about the relationship killers that aren’t as blatant, but will kill the love you share over time as sure as Sundays are the beginning of the week. You may notice that you are guilty yourself of some of these toxic activities and if you are, it doesn’t mean you are a horrible person, it just means that you need to develop some better relationship skills and there is no better time to do that other than right now!
Avoid these Relationship Killers:
Criticizing can be done under the guise of “just trying to be helpful” to just being outright mean. Perhaps you do know a better way to get something done or perhaps you have a legitimate complaint. There is a better way to address those without leaving your partner feeling unaccepted and unsafe with you.
When you are frustrated or angry with your partner you might think they deserve to be treated poorly. So, you lash out and call them names, yell or curse at them, insult them, use sarcasm, mockery or body language that is hurtful. This must stop, even if your partner is being a complete irrational idiot towards you, two wrongs never make a right and all you will do is hurt them and make matters worse.
Feeling defensive is natural if you feel hurt, but what it actually does is allows you to step away from taking responsibility for your part of the relationship. In essence, you are telling your partner that there would be no problems if it wasn’t for them. It is blaming and toxic. Drop the defenses if you want to keep the love.
This activity is when you give your partner the cold shoulder or ignore them and refuse to talk to them. It is the activity of an emotionally immature person and will not help you become more mature or learn real problem solving skills. It shuts your partner out, they feel abandoned and problems will escalate. Plus, by the time you feel like coming back around, they may be so hurt that they don’t want you back around. Do not stonewall. If you need a break to calm down, that is not stonewalling, that is healthy and emotionally mature. That should be stated so your partner knows what is going on, such as saying, “Honey I really need a break, can we talk about this in a half hour?”
Any words that you would not say when you are in a loving mood, you shouldn’t say when you are angry. If that means you have to test everything out in your head first before speaking, then so be it. Talking about ending the relationship if you are not 100% serious about it, saying things like “Like it or Leave”, or making threats to humiliate or otherwise hurt your partner is absolutely off limits.
Taking it to the Streets
When you vent to your besties and family about how “horrible” your partner is acting or how mad you are, it puts your partner in a bad light with them and causes some awkward times together long after you have kissed and made-up. If you need relationship advice, contact a professional such as a Personal Life Coach or spiritual leader, and keep your relationship between your partner, family and friends in a positive light.
In a nutshell:
- Avoid Criticism
- Give More Respect than Contempt
- Leave Defensiveness far Behind
- Keep a warm shoulder and be abundant with your attention
- Keep fighting Clean
- Keep talk about your partner in a positive light or get a professional neutral third party to work with
Here are a few free eBooks for you that can help keep the loving feelings: